Ferris Bueller’s Wonderful Life

December 21, 2011 § 2 Comments

This past weekend I was shooting some hoops at the park near my apartment when in the distance I saw Ferris Bueller watching his child’s soccer game.  It had been about a year since I’d seen him and I decided to say hello.  He had heavy bags under his eyes and looked like he hadn’t slept in a week.  I asked him if he’d been getting enough sleep.  Apparently he’d been getting too much sleep…he lost his job as a Geico insurance agent a few months ago.  I asked him why and he told me it was “politics, man, just politics”.  I asked Ferris what he had been doing to occupy his time.  Ferris gave me all the details.  He gets out of bed around 4am because he doesn’t like to be near his wife for more than four hours at a time.  Between 4am and 7am Ferris spends time writing his novel, The Asparagus Connection, which is about a doctor living in the year 2237 who discovers that all cancer is caused by the consumption of asparagus.  At 7am he wakes his daughter up for school and fixes her a nice bowl of peanut butter Cap’N Crunch.  Then after he helps her get on the bus, Ferris hides in his garage until 9am so he doesn’t have to talk to his wife before she goes to work.  Until noon Ferris enjoys watching The View and The Price is Right with Drew Carey.  Then until 5pm Ferris looks at pornography on his computer and masturbates.  His favorite kind of porn is old women who give young men rim jobs.  At 6pm his family will sit down at the dining room table, eat a nutritious meal, and talk about their day.  At 8pm Ferris begins his evening of watching television, which is the one thing he and his wife both love.  They enjoy watching America’s Got Talent, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, CSI: Miami, Survivor, and American Idol.  Then they cap off the night by watching The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.  I told Ferris that sounded terrific.  Ferris said, “yeah, it’s a wonderful life”.  Then Ferris confided in me that there is one thing he is ashamed of:  since he is no longer employed he can’t sell his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookies for her at work.  It made him feel bad that his daughter actually has to sell them herself.

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Del Griffith’s Chocolate Milkshake

December 20, 2011 § Leave a comment

I ran into Del Griffith last night.  He was working at a 1950’s themed diner called The Family Facade.  I asked him if he’s still selling shower curtain rings.  He said he gave it up a long time ago after realizing that it was a ridiculous profession.  I told him that I was thirsty and asked him what the most popular drink was.  Del told me that his chocolate milkshake is by far the customers’ favorite.  He made one for me and I drank it down quick.  I was astonished.  It was the most delicious chocolate milkshake I had ever tasted in my life.  It was thick, creamy, bold, and robust.  I told Del it was imperative that I have the recipe and without hesitation he told me the milkshake’s ingredients were 50% chocolate ice cream, 25% milk, and 25% diarrhea.

Wendy Torrance Opens Up About Her Second Marriage

December 20, 2011 § Leave a comment

Hello all!  This is the first publication of a series of “Where Are They Now?” interviews I have conducted.  First up:  Wendy Torrance…

Jon Bryce:  Hello Wendy.  I am so pleased that you agreed to an interview.

Wendy Torrance:  Thank you for asking me.  It’s been a long time since anyone has taken any interest in me.

JB:  I find that hard to believe.  You’re a true example of the great spirit that drives all Americans to success.

WT:  Well, I know that.  And you know that.  But sometimes I think others forget.

JB:  So what have you been doing since you left the Overlook Hotel?

WT:  Well, first Danny and I went back to Boulder, CO.  It was difficult at first because we really had to start over again, which meant that I had to get a job.  I had never had a job before and wasn’t sure if I’d take a liking to it.  I sent out dozens of job applications to supermarkets, restaurants, and gas stations.  I even sent one to the Overlook Hotel but I never received a call back.  I had many interviews and didn’t have much luck at first.  But then on a whim I applied for a job as a businessman’s secretary.  And what do you know?  I was hired on the spot!

JB:  That must have made you feel really good about yourself.

WT:  It sure did Jon!  Honestly, I wasn’t qualified for the position but for some reason my boss, Mr. Whiteman took a liking to me right away.  But it wasn’t easy at first.  I’ll admit for the first month I had no idea what I was doing!  The job required the ability to type, be able to use a Rolodex, and have great communication skills.  But I was inept at all three and by the second week Mr. Whiteman began to notice.

JB:  Was he unhappy with your performance?

WT:  Yes…he said I was doing a terrible job.  But he offered me a solution.  He told me that as long as I perform oral sex on him on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays that he would forget about my inability to perform basic tasks.

JB:  Did you accept his offer?

WT:  Yes, I did.  And like typing, it wasn’t easy at first.  Mr. Whiteman didn’t think I put enough effort into giving blow jobs.  He said I was too passive and because of this it was difficult for him to have an orgasm.  So he got rough with me.  It got to the point where he would shove his penis down my throat as hard as he could.  Sometimes he would even plug my nose and slap me in the face while he was doing it.  But all in all it worked out because now I have no gag reflex and I’m a much better performer of oral sex than I am a typist.

JB:  Do you still work for Mr. Whiteman?

WT:  No.  After about three months I realized that he had never paid me.  So one Friday I asked him if I was going to be paid this week.  He told me that he would pay me when he was good and ready and that I should stop being so nosy.  I agreed with him and continued working for him without pay until he died in 1985.

JB:  What did you do after this?

WT:  It was around this time that I began dating a charming man named Bo Dakota.

JB:  That’s nice.  What did he do for a living?

WT:  He lived off of disability payments.  Can you believe it?  I mean I finally met a man who was successful at what he did.  Danny and I moved into his trailer with him soon after we met.

JB:  You must have been very attracted to him.

WT:  I sure was!  I was attracted to his vision of the world which was that men are superior to women and that if a man is unsuccessful it is because of the woman he is in a monogamous relationship with.

JB:  Why would you be attracted to that vision?

WT:  Because it’s true.  I mean without men a woman can’t get pregnant.  And that’s why women are on Earth…to give birth.  I wish I could have had more children but am thankful I had my wonderful Danny.

JB:  How did Danny like Bo?

WT:  They got along great.  Bo taught Danny how to grow up and be a man.  So naturally Bo taught Danny how to get drunk, how to get his dick sucked, and how to take big dumps.

JB:  How has Danny adjusted into being an adult?

WT:  Pretty good.  For some reason he left the family a few years ago and changed his name to Jared Lee Loughner.  I read that he was recently involved in a shooting.  But I have respect for that because he did what he wanted to do, and that’s how Bo taught him how to live.

JB:  Are you still with Bo?

WT:  No.  He committed suicide two years ago.

JB:  That’s shocking.  Why did he do it?

WT:  He left a note saying it was because I didn’t properly season his steak the night before.  And he was right…I did forget to do that.

JB:  Are you currently working?

WT:  No.  When Bo died I buried him in the backyard and didn’t tell anyone about it so could continue to collect his disability payments.

JB:  In a way Bo’s death has worked out well for you.

WT:  That is so true.  Sometimes life throws you a curve ball but if you stay positive you can hit that curve out of the ballpark and have a great life.  I am living proof of that.

Beaver Cleaver’s Butt Measuring Party

December 13, 2011 § 1 Comment

I was lucky enough to receive an invitation to a butt measuring party hosted by my friend Beaver Cleaver which promised “prizes awarded for longest butt, hairiest butt, widest butt, plumpest butt, and most asymmetrical butt”.  The party took place on Saturday and I arrived late.  Mrs. Cleaver greeted me at the door with a warm smile.  I introduced myself but she said she knew who I was because Beaver told her about me.  I wondered what story about me Beaver shared with her.  Did he tell her about the time he let me borrow her underwear so I could smell a hint of June Cleaver vagina while I masturbated?  Or maybe it was the time I secretly videotaped her giving Mr. Cleaver a rim job.  Whatever it was, Mrs. Cleaver invited me inside and led me to the living room.

There were many guests there.  Lumpy Rutherford, Eddie Haskell, Potsie Weber, Mike Stivic, and Mork from Ork just to name a handful.  Mike Stivic was wearing a “Obama 2012” button.  I asked him what he liked about President Obama.  Mike told me that he liked Obama because he’s a black democrat and that having a black President is a great step forward for the United States.  I then asked him what he thought about Herman Cain.  Mike said that Herman Cain is a dumb nigger.

The party was just getting started and Lumpy Rutherford was the first person to have his butt measured.  Lumpy dropped his pants and underwear and got down on the floor on his hands and knees.  Beaver got behind Lumpy and dropped to his knees with a tape measure.  But before Beaver could doing any measuring Lumpy farted.  Lumpy’s fart must have dilated his anus wide open because Beaver stuck his face in Lumpy’s butt and yelled “Hellooooooooo in there!”.  Mrs. Cleaver walked in, took a look at Lumpy’s butt and told him that he does a nice job wiping.  Then she chastised Beaver for not wiping his butt as well as Lumpy does and asked Lumpy if he could teach Beaver how to wipe his butt properly.  Lumpy said he would love to.

I would love to write a minute by minute recap of the evening’s festivities but I think you get the idea.  Nell Harper won for widest butt.  Maggie Seaver won for longest butt.  Hairiest butt was a tie between Alf and Thomas Magnum.  They were each awarded a set of hand towels.  It wasn’t the party of the year but it was slightly better than sitting at home alone watching television.

Cousin Oliver Moves In With Michele and Marcus Bachmann

December 9, 2011 § 1 Comment

Hello everyone.  I wanted to give you an update on my friend Cousin Oliver.  He’s been living with a new foster family.  Here is a letter he sent me explaining the details:

Dear Jon,

Cousin Oliver here…just wanted to give you a heads up on my current status.  I’ve been shuffled around a lot lately.  First my parents sent me to the Bradys.  Then the Bradys sent me back home because they said I was too ugly for them to recognize me as a member of their family.  But when I got back home there was a note on the front door that said I was not allowed to live there anymore because my ugly face would bring down the property value.  So I went to a shelter and ended up being hooked up with some foster parents:  Michele and Marcus Bachmann.  Boy, are these two passionate about our country!  They have taught me so much about America since it was founded in 1492.  Did you know that the Bill of Rights was created by Ronald Reagan and Jesus Christ to ensure that liberals don’t make conservatives feel icky?  For example, the right to keep and bear arms was created to allow upstanding god fearing heterosexuals the right to kill fags for having the indecency to walk around in public.  They also explained to me the real season why there is freedom of speech, which is so smart people can call black people lazy niggers without getting in trouble.

I have to tell you, I’ve been having so much fun here.  On Friday nights me and the other twenty two kids who live here are allowed to play pick up sticks.  On Saturday we do charity work, which consists of us kids cleaning various mansions in the neighborhood.  On Sundays we devote the entire day to God.  I love God.  In fact, I love him so much it got me in trouble once.  That was the day I decided to read from the Bible while I was taking a dump.  Michele accidentally walked in on me and became furious.  She told me that reading the Bible on the toilet was blasphemous and that in the old days people were put to death for it.  I asked her why and she told me it was because God doesn’t like poop, especially when it comes out of women.  She also told me that God puts poop inside of all of us to test our strength and see how long we can hold it in.  Eliminating the need to defecate is a true sign of a believer.  Michele hasn’t pooped in twenty seven years.

I’ve spent a lot of time with Michele and Marcus.  One day Marcus and I were alone and I asked him what he did for a living.  He told me that he is a therapist who transforms fags into heterosexuals.  I asked him how he did this and he offered to show me.  First, he performed anal sex on me.  Then he announced that since I was now gay he would be able to show me how his therapy works.  He poured a glass of Jim Beam bourbon into my anus and forced me to squirt it out into his mouth.  After I did this he told me I was cured.  But I was worried that his therapy didn’t work.  The next day I asked Michele what God would do to me if I was gay.  She told me she would make sure that would never happen to me.  Then she disrobed and told me to perform oral sex on her, stating this was the only way to make sure I wouldn’t turn gay.  I had never performed oral sex before but heard that in order to give a woman an orgasm I was supposed to stimulate the clitoris.  But I wasn’t sure how to find it so I asked Michele where it was.  She told me that she didn’t know where her clitoris was because she’s never looked at her vagina.

Well, I hope your life is going as great as mine is.  If you ever feel like going on vacation you’re more than welcome to stay with us.  Have a great Christmas and and a happy new year!

Sincerely,

Cousin Oliver

Rudy, It Seems Like Only Yesterday You Broke Your Father’s Juicer

December 7, 2011 § Leave a comment

Saturday night I had a date with Rudy Huxtable.  I was so happy when she agreed to go out with me.  She is a smart, successful, beautiful woman.  We decided to go to dinner and then see a movie.  Dinner was great but there was a disturbance in the movie theater.  When the movie began everyone started eating their popcorn at the same time.  We couldn’t hear anything with over one hundred theatergoers shoving fistfuls of popcorn into their mouths.  We decided to leave and go back to Rudy’s house to download the movie illegally on Rudy’s computer.

After we finished watching the movie we sat on Rudy’s couch and talked.  I was curious about her family.

“Do you keep in close contact with your family?” I asked.

“Not with all of them.  Vanessa is a cunt, Denise is a space cadet, Sondra and Elvin are two of the most annoying people on the planet, my Mom treats me like a child, and Theo, well, I like him but he lives in Africa.”

“What about your Dad?”

“I don’t get along with him.”

“Why Not?”

“He wasn’t nice to me when I was a child.”

“But he seemed like a great father.”

“That was just for the camera.  During summer hiatus he was abusive.”

“That’s shocking.  What did he do?”

“One of his favorite things to do to me was chain me to the kitchen table and starve me.  Then after a day or so he would sit in front of me and eat a submarine sandwich and a bag of potato chips.”

“That’s awful.”

“I remember one time he stuffed me into the oven and told me that he was going to eat me.  But my Mom talked him out of actually cooking me because she said I was too salty.  My Dad was afraid of her and took it out on me.”

I couldn’t believe this.  Was television lying to me?  Rudy changed the subject.

“I really like your sweater,” Rudy said.

“Thanks.”

“It’s strange.  Although it looks like someone vomited and squirted bloody diarrhea on your sweater it’s also very warm and inviting.”  Rudy paused for a moment.  “You know, you remind me of my Dad.”

Before I could ask Rudy why I reminded her of her Dad she began to kiss me.  I kissed her back.  It was passionate.

“Would you like to make love to me?” Rudy asked.

“I would love to.”

Rudy led me into her bedroom.  We disrobed immediately and laid on her bed.  There was little foreplay and before I knew it I was making love to her doggystyle.  This was an unfortunate position to be in because when I looked up I noticed that she had two framed photographs of her friends Peter and Bud hanging on her wall.  The pictures must have been taken in 1987.  Peter and Bud were staring at me.  It was at this moment I began thinking about the time Rudy wouldn’t eat her Brussels sprouts.  This was a dangerous image to have in my head because as I continued mounting her when I looked at the back of her head all I could see was her face as a five year old staring back at me.  It was the worst sex I’ve ever had.

 

Quenching My Thirst With Florida Evans

December 6, 2011 § Leave a comment

I just returned home from my vacation in Chicago.  I was lucky enough to see all of the major tourist attractions:  Navy Pier, The John Hancock Observatory, Adler Planetarium, Wrigley Field, and the Cabrini-Green Housing Projects, which is a breathtaking site to see.  While I was at Cabrini-Green I stopped by a grape drink stand operated by Florida Evans.  I bought a cup and told Mrs. Evans that it was the most delicious grape drink I had ever tasted.  I asked her what the ingredients were.  She told me it was a secret recipe that was passed down in her family from generation to generation.  Then she told me that for an extra $20 she’d suck my dick.  I told her I didn’t have time for that; I had a lunch date with Sloane Peterson.

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