Beaver Cleaver’s Butt Measuring Party

December 13, 2011 § 1 Comment

I was lucky enough to receive an invitation to a butt measuring party hosted by my friend Beaver Cleaver which promised “prizes awarded for longest butt, hairiest butt, widest butt, plumpest butt, and most asymmetrical butt”.  The party took place on Saturday and I arrived late.  Mrs. Cleaver greeted me at the door with a warm smile.  I introduced myself but she said she knew who I was because Beaver told her about me.  I wondered what story about me Beaver shared with her.  Did he tell her about the time he let me borrow her underwear so I could smell a hint of June Cleaver vagina while I masturbated?  Or maybe it was the time I secretly videotaped her giving Mr. Cleaver a rim job.  Whatever it was, Mrs. Cleaver invited me inside and led me to the living room.

There were many guests there.  Lumpy Rutherford, Eddie Haskell, Potsie Weber, Mike Stivic, and Mork from Ork just to name a handful.  Mike Stivic was wearing a “Obama 2012” button.  I asked him what he liked about President Obama.  Mike told me that he liked Obama because he’s a black democrat and that having a black President is a great step forward for the United States.  I then asked him what he thought about Herman Cain.  Mike said that Herman Cain is a dumb nigger.

The party was just getting started and Lumpy Rutherford was the first person to have his butt measured.  Lumpy dropped his pants and underwear and got down on the floor on his hands and knees.  Beaver got behind Lumpy and dropped to his knees with a tape measure.  But before Beaver could doing any measuring Lumpy farted.  Lumpy’s fart must have dilated his anus wide open because Beaver stuck his face in Lumpy’s butt and yelled “Hellooooooooo in there!”.  Mrs. Cleaver walked in, took a look at Lumpy’s butt and told him that he does a nice job wiping.  Then she chastised Beaver for not wiping his butt as well as Lumpy does and asked Lumpy if he could teach Beaver how to wipe his butt properly.  Lumpy said he would love to.

I would love to write a minute by minute recap of the evening’s festivities but I think you get the idea.  Nell Harper won for widest butt.  Maggie Seaver won for longest butt.  Hairiest butt was a tie between Alf and Thomas Magnum.  They were each awarded a set of hand towels.  It wasn’t the party of the year but it was slightly better than sitting at home alone watching television.

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