December 9, 2011 § 1 Comment
Hello everyone. I wanted to give you an update on my friend Cousin Oliver. He’s been living with a new foster family. Here is a letter he sent me explaining the details:
Cousin Oliver here…just wanted to give you a heads up on my current status. I’ve been shuffled around a lot lately. First my parents sent me to the Bradys. Then the Bradys sent me back home because they said I was too ugly for them to recognize me as a member of their family. But when I got back home there was a note on the front door that said I was not allowed to live there anymore because my ugly face would bring down the property value. So I went to a shelter and ended up being hooked up with some foster parents: Michele and Marcus Bachmann. Boy, are these two passionate about our country! They have taught me so much about America since it was founded in 1492. Did you know that the Bill of Rights was created by Ronald Reagan and Jesus Christ to ensure that liberals don’t make conservatives feel icky? For example, the right to keep and bear arms was created to allow upstanding god fearing heterosexuals the right to kill fags for having the indecency to walk around in public. They also explained to me the real season why there is freedom of speech, which is so smart people can call black people lazy niggers without getting in trouble.
I have to tell you, I’ve been having so much fun here. On Friday nights me and the other twenty two kids who live here are allowed to play pick up sticks. On Saturday we do charity work, which consists of us kids cleaning various mansions in the neighborhood. On Sundays we devote the entire day to God. I love God. In fact, I love him so much it got me in trouble once. That was the day I decided to read from the Bible while I was taking a dump. Michele accidentally walked in on me and became furious. She told me that reading the Bible on the toilet was blasphemous and that in the old days people were put to death for it. I asked her why and she told me it was because God doesn’t like poop, especially when it comes out of women. She also told me that God puts poop inside of all of us to test our strength and see how long we can hold it in. Eliminating the need to defecate is a true sign of a believer. Michele hasn’t pooped in twenty seven years.
I’ve spent a lot of time with Michele and Marcus. One day Marcus and I were alone and I asked him what he did for a living. He told me that he is a therapist who transforms fags into heterosexuals. I asked him how he did this and he offered to show me. First, he performed anal sex on me. Then he announced that since I was now gay he would be able to show me how his therapy works. He poured a glass of Jim Beam bourbon into my anus and forced me to squirt it out into his mouth. After I did this he told me I was cured. But I was worried that his therapy didn’t work. The next day I asked Michele what God would do to me if I was gay. She told me she would make sure that would never happen to me. Then she disrobed and told me to perform oral sex on her, stating this was the only way to make sure I wouldn’t turn gay. I had never performed oral sex before but heard that in order to give a woman an orgasm I was supposed to stimulate the clitoris. But I wasn’t sure how to find it so I asked Michele where it was. She told me that she didn’t know where her clitoris was because she’s never looked at her vagina.
Well, I hope your life is going as great as mine is. If you ever feel like going on vacation you’re more than welcome to stay with us. Have a great Christmas and and a happy new year!