Ferris Bueller’s Wonderful Life

December 21, 2011 § 2 Comments

This past weekend I was shooting some hoops at the park near my apartment when in the distance I saw Ferris Bueller watching his child’s soccer game.  It had been about a year since I’d seen him and I decided to say hello.  He had heavy bags under his eyes and looked like he hadn’t slept in a week.  I asked him if he’d been getting enough sleep.  Apparently he’d been getting too much sleep…he lost his job as a Geico insurance agent a few months ago.  I asked him why and he told me it was “politics, man, just politics”.  I asked Ferris what he had been doing to occupy his time.  Ferris gave me all the details.  He gets out of bed around 4am because he doesn’t like to be near his wife for more than four hours at a time.  Between 4am and 7am Ferris spends time writing his novel, The Asparagus Connection, which is about a doctor living in the year 2237 who discovers that all cancer is caused by the consumption of asparagus.  At 7am he wakes his daughter up for school and fixes her a nice bowl of peanut butter Cap’N Crunch.  Then after he helps her get on the bus, Ferris hides in his garage until 9am so he doesn’t have to talk to his wife before she goes to work.  Until noon Ferris enjoys watching The View and The Price is Right with Drew Carey.  Then until 5pm Ferris looks at pornography on his computer and masturbates.  His favorite kind of porn is old women who give young men rim jobs.  At 6pm his family will sit down at the dining room table, eat a nutritious meal, and talk about their day.  At 8pm Ferris begins his evening of watching television, which is the one thing he and his wife both love.  They enjoy watching America’s Got Talent, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, CSI: Miami, Survivor, and American Idol.  Then they cap off the night by watching The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.  I told Ferris that sounded terrific.  Ferris said, “yeah, it’s a wonderful life”.  Then Ferris confided in me that there is one thing he is ashamed of:  since he is no longer employed he can’t sell his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookies for her at work.  It made him feel bad that his daughter actually has to sell them herself.


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