December 7, 2011 § Leave a comment
Saturday night I had a date with Rudy Huxtable. I was so happy when she agreed to go out with me. She is a smart, successful, beautiful woman. We decided to go to dinner and then see a movie. Dinner was great but there was a disturbance in the movie theater. When the movie began everyone started eating their popcorn at the same time. We couldn’t hear anything with over one hundred theatergoers shoving fistfuls of popcorn into their mouths. We decided to leave and go back to Rudy’s house to download the movie illegally on Rudy’s computer.
After we finished watching the movie we sat on Rudy’s couch and talked. I was curious about her family.
“Do you keep in close contact with your family?” I asked.
“Not with all of them. Vanessa is a cunt, Denise is a space cadet, Sondra and Elvin are two of the most annoying people on the planet, my Mom treats me like a child, and Theo, well, I like him but he lives in Africa.”
“What about your Dad?”
“I don’t get along with him.”
“He wasn’t nice to me when I was a child.”
“But he seemed like a great father.”
“That was just for the camera. During summer hiatus he was abusive.”
“That’s shocking. What did he do?”
“One of his favorite things to do to me was chain me to the kitchen table and starve me. Then after a day or so he would sit in front of me and eat a submarine sandwich and a bag of potato chips.”
“I remember one time he stuffed me into the oven and told me that he was going to eat me. But my Mom talked him out of actually cooking me because she said I was too salty. My Dad was afraid of her and took it out on me.”
I couldn’t believe this. Was television lying to me? Rudy changed the subject.
“I really like your sweater,” Rudy said.
“It’s strange. Although it looks like someone vomited and squirted bloody diarrhea on your sweater it’s also very warm and inviting.” Rudy paused for a moment. “You know, you remind me of my Dad.”
Before I could ask Rudy why I reminded her of her Dad she began to kiss me. I kissed her back. It was passionate.
“Would you like to make love to me?” Rudy asked.
“I would love to.”
Rudy led me into her bedroom. We disrobed immediately and laid on her bed. There was little foreplay and before I knew it I was making love to her doggystyle. This was an unfortunate position to be in because when I looked up I noticed that she had two framed photographs of her friends Peter and Bud hanging on her wall. The pictures must have been taken in 1987. Peter and Bud were staring at me. It was at this moment I began thinking about the time Rudy wouldn’t eat her Brussels sprouts. This was a dangerous image to have in my head because as I continued mounting her when I looked at the back of her head all I could see was her face as a five year old staring back at me. It was the worst sex I’ve ever had.