December 7, 2011 § Leave a comment
Saturday night I had a date with Rudy Huxtable. I was so happy when she agreed to go out with me. She is a smart, successful, beautiful woman. We decided to go to dinner and then see a movie. Dinner was great but there was a disturbance in the movie theater. When the movie began everyone started eating their popcorn at the same time. We couldn’t hear anything with over one hundred theatergoers shoving fistfuls of popcorn into their mouths. We decided to leave and go back to Rudy’s house to download the movie illegally on Rudy’s computer.
After we finished watching the movie we sat on Rudy’s couch and talked. I was curious about her family.
“Do you keep in close contact with your family?” I asked.
“Not with all of them. Vanessa is a cunt, Denise is a space cadet, Sondra and Elvin are two of the most annoying people on the planet, my Mom treats me like a child, and Theo, well, I like him but he lives in Africa.”
“What about your Dad?”
“I don’t get along with him.”
“He wasn’t nice to me when I was a child.”
“But he seemed like a great father.”
“That was just for the camera. During summer hiatus he was abusive.”
“That’s shocking. What did he do?”
“One of his favorite things to do to me was chain me to the kitchen table and starve me. Then after a day or so he would sit in front of me and eat a submarine sandwich and a bag of potato chips.”
“I remember one time he stuffed me into the oven and told me that he was going to eat me. But my Mom talked him out of actually cooking me because she said I was too salty. My Dad was afraid of her and took it out on me.”
I couldn’t believe this. Was television lying to me? Rudy changed the subject.
“I really like your sweater,” Rudy said.
“It’s strange. Although it looks like someone vomited and squirted bloody diarrhea on your sweater it’s also very warm and inviting.” Rudy paused for a moment. “You know, you remind me of my Dad.”
Before I could ask Rudy why I reminded her of her Dad she began to kiss me. I kissed her back. It was passionate.
“Would you like to make love to me?” Rudy asked.
“I would love to.”
Rudy led me into her bedroom. We disrobed immediately and laid on her bed. There was little foreplay and before I knew it I was making love to her doggystyle. This was an unfortunate position to be in because when I looked up I noticed that she had two framed photographs of her friends Peter and Bud hanging on her wall. The pictures must have been taken in 1987. Peter and Bud were staring at me. It was at this moment I began thinking about the time Rudy wouldn’t eat her Brussels sprouts. This was a dangerous image to have in my head because as I continued mounting her when I looked at the back of her head all I could see was her face as a five year old staring back at me. It was the worst sex I’ve ever had.
December 6, 2011 § Leave a comment
I just returned home from my vacation in Chicago. I was lucky enough to see all of the major tourist attractions: Navy Pier, The John Hancock Observatory, Adler Planetarium, Wrigley Field, and the Cabrini-Green Housing Projects, which is a breathtaking site to see. While I was at Cabrini-Green I stopped by a grape drink stand operated by Florida Evans. I bought a cup and told Mrs. Evans that it was the most delicious grape drink I had ever tasted. I asked her what the ingredients were. She told me it was a secret recipe that was passed down in her family from generation to generation. Then she told me that for an extra $20 she’d suck my dick. I told her I didn’t have time for that; I had a lunch date with Sloane Peterson.
December 6, 2011 § Leave a comment
I was in the mood to work out and go for a swim at the YMCA. It was a Monday morning and almost empty. I walked into the locker room and saw Bull Shannon clipping his toenails naked with his left leg propped up onto a bench. We exchanged hellos and I told Bull I wanted to try to swim twenty laps in the pool. He told me he’d race me. We put on our swim trunks and walked down to the pool.
Before I was able to step into the pool Bull got really excited and asked me if I wanted to play Jaws. The thought of playing this game with Bull made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I said yes.
“Great!” said Bull. “You be Quint, I’ll be Jaws!”
Bull immediately took off his swimsuit.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m taking off my suit. In real life sharks are naked.”
Bull then began masturbating.
“Why are you masturbating?”
“I’m going to use my erect penis as a shark’s fin.”
Bull walked to the diving board and stood on it, continually stroking his penis.
“I’ll get in first because in real life the shark would already be in the water,” Bull said.
Bull’s penis was now fully erect. He got a running start and jumped off the diving board.
“Geronimo!” Bull yelled before splashing into the water.
Bull began doing the backstroke. His body was just barely submerged and his penis poked out above the water.
I decided this was an appropriate moment to leave. I have no problem being naked in a locker room with other men but I had no intention of having a cock accidentally stuffed down my throat.
December 2, 2011 § Leave a comment
I just got back from lunch with Carl Winslow. First of all, that guy is a fucking pig. He ordered a chicken salad and put ketchup (!) on it. Other customers were looking at us in disgust. That’s not to say that the two hours I spent with him were completely wasted. For example, my memory bank reserved a place for remembering that Carl’s favorite movie is Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach. What lack of taste. Part 5 didn’t even have Guttenberg in it. After lunch Carl asked me if I wanted to go out dancing with him on Friday. I said sure but that I didn’t know what to wear to a dance club. Carl told me he always dances in his police uniform and that he usually wears a pair of white gloves. Looks like I have to go to a costume shop.
November 30, 2011 § Leave a comment
Saturday morning was typical. I woke up hungry but was too lazy to cook anything. I decided on something simple: Bison Southwestern Chipotle Dip and Fritos. The combination was a success going in and a nightmare coming out. It was an unprecedented poop and looked like a broken sausage marinated in brownie batter splashed with a pot of muddy coffee. I used up the last 13 (actually 26 – I’m a two square bear) squares of toilet paper and had to finish with a facial tissue. Being plumb out of hole squares gave me an opportunity to go outside. It was time to go to the supermarket.
I walked outside and noticed a moving truck parked in the street. The house next door had been up for sale and unoccupied for the last six months and someone was moving in. I walked over to introduce myself. After I rang the doorbell much to my surprise Norm Peterson answered the door.
“Norm,” I said. “I haven’t seen you in ages. I’m Jon”
“Well, I haven’t been on television in nearly twenty years. Nice to meet you Jon.”
“She died a few years back. Fell off a horse Chris Reeve style.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“No need to be sorry. She tasted great on a hot dog bun drenched in mayonnaise. I’m kidding of course.”
“So what brings you to Rochester, New York?”
“I’m a big fan of Genny Light, Jon. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to finish unpacking so I can sit back and start drinking.”
“If you need anything let me know.”
“Do you have any cold beer in your fridge?”
“Not at the moment.”
“Then I guess I don’t need anything.”
I made it to the supermarket quick enough not to ponder the significance of a drunk from Cheers moving in next door to me. If any the significance lied in the possibility of future years of entertainment. Once inside I found the toilet paper and noticed Florence Johnston standing before the Charmin.
“Hi Florence,” I said. “How are the Jeffersons?”
“Weezy’s got hemorrhoids.”
“What a shame.”
“I tell her it’s because she always has me buy her the single ply sandpaper. A woman’s asshole is a delicate thing and that TP is too rough.”
“And it ain’t just that. It’s so thin that it rips when you’re wiping. I’m not sure about other women but the last thing this woman wants is a poopy piece of corn stuck to the tip of her index finger, you know what I’m saying?”
“I hear you Florence.”
“Well, I best be on my way. I’m going to try to wedge some four ply in Weezy’s big black ass.”
“Tell her I said hello.”
I grabbed some TP and walked over to the beer section. I figured a six pack would be a nice welcoming gift for Norm.
I arrived at Norm’s with a six pack in each hand and rang the doorbell with my elbow. Norm opened the door.
“Hey Norm. I bought this for you.”
I handed Norm the beer.
“A six pack of Genny Cream Ale. Just a way to say welcome to the neighborhood.”
“Thanks Jon. You know, you really are a good guy.”
I opened up the six pack of toilet paper, took out one roll and handed it to Norm.
“What’s this for?”
“It’s for tomorrow morning. Trust me.”